Life After DTS
Life After DTS
I think there are a lot of things in life that are hard. I don’t know, I could be wrong, after all, I’m only 25 and don’t know a whole lot. I think planning my baby sister’s wedding is hard (or so I’m learning), I think trying to get rid of hiccups is hard, I think being honest and vulnerable is hard and I think my transition from YWAM back to Indiana was and is still hard. But if there is one thing I do know, it’s that God is faithful, always.
“You’re going ON home, not going BACK home.” Those were the words I heard during debrief week before heading back to the states, or back to my familiar. “Going on home, right, that makes complete sense, I got this” or so I thought. It’s funny how life continues while you’re away for 6 months. You come home completely changed, ready to save the world and tell everyone about your experience “down under”. You’re so excited, a feeling like no other, but life in Indiana continued for 6 months for my friends and family and quite frankly, nothing changed for them. They did the same routine every day while I was gone, so coming home seemed odd. Yeah, they were excited for me to be home, but the next morning they all went to work and continued with life. It’s like as I walked in the door to my house there was a big welcome home sign saying “WELCOME BACK ALLISON, THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH!” And man has it been tough.
I’d be lying if I said the YWAM Allison is the same Allison writing this blog post right now, I’ve taken a few steps back. Who am I kidding? Not just a few, maybe a few hundred. Some days I feel like I’m barely above water, gasping for air, asking and doubting God because I came from a community where I felt His almighty presence every day and now I can’t tell you the last time I’ve felt that.
I think about the Israelites, how they spent 400 years in slavery in Egypt and all they wanted was to go to the promised land. Once they escaped slavery and on their way to the promised land, they realized how hard it was. Not having anything to eat, wandering aimlessly, extremely hot and seeing what seemed like no end. After a while, they were begging to go back into slavery. Anything would be better than what they were experiencing. I can relate to the Israelites. “God, I’m tired of this, I want out, give me something different, this is hard.” There are so many distractions back home, social media, friends, commitments, work, becoming successful, living on my own for the first time. “I’m trying to live for you, but it’s hard and I don’t know if I can do it some days. WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU.”
I’m learning every day to try again. Is it hard? Holy cow, yes. I think I mess up every day. But I imagine Jesus on the water reaching and waiting on Peter. Peter gets out of the boat and walks to Jesus. I think I’m a lot like Peter, every day I have a choice to either get out of the boat or stay in. Some days are better than others but I know if I look up, whether I’m being stubborn and staying in the boat or having a good day where I’m walking towards Him, regardless of where I’m at, Jesus will be right there, every day, reaching and waiting for me. I just have to look up.
I’m reading this book by Maria Goff called Love Lives Here. One of her chapters is called “Running Away.” She talks about how her kids wanted to run away, so she decided she would help them pack. She says this:
“The kids got to the back door, we said a prayer, I wished them well on their adventure, and then I went back inside the house, making sure they saw the back door shut behind me. I wasn’t shutting them out or shutting myself in; I was helping them turn their next page. It’s what we do for the people we love the most. It’s what God does with us.” She goes on to say this, “ The time it took for the kids to run away and return wasn’t long. I don’t think God keeps track of the times we’re gone on our adventures either. Sometimes when we run, God multiplies our time to make it feel like we’ve been gone forever, but it’s never very long to Him. Even if we do stay away for long, to Him it’s like we took a walk around the block. What feels like a long time for us must feel like much shorter time to God who said a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day. When we run away, I think He feels the same way I did about the kids leaving. He would certainly come find us if we didn’t return, but He waits in constant anticipation for our arrival.”
So if you’re like me, choosing to run away some days, know that that’s okay. Life isn’t promised to be easy (John 16:33). Take your time, make your mistakes, take a few steps (or a few hundred) back. Just know that Jesus will always be on the back porch, probably sitting there in a lawn chair, reading the newspaper with a ginger beer waiting for us. And when we show up, he’ll look up from the newspaper, and probably say something along the lines of “I’ve been waiting for you, how was your adventure?”
If you are sick of taking steps back and want to go forward in your faith, check out our website to see what we can offer you.
Written By: Allison Zorman // Previous DTS Student